I got flowers today

Sensitivity Warning – Domestic abuse, violence.

This has been on my mind for a while. Yesterday I was in bad shape and when I was crying I could have swore she was in the room telling me to calm down……My Auntie/godmother Teresa died just over a month ago. She had cancer. We had a muddled relationship.
You see, her abusive husband witnessed my uncle’s murder in 1999 and “allegedly” took a payoff to not identify the killer, a man with the nickname Ula. Despite this – she stayed with him. For 20 years. On and off she would be back in our lives for the odd conversation, and bless her but she was the NOSIEST woman in existence, may god rest her soul. She lacked tact and honestly, could come off with some shite. Within 60 seconds of meeting her i swear she would know your blood type…anyone that knew her would confirm this ….
BUT when she saw me after I was bitten by the dog, she gave me a diazepam to calm me down. She was shouted at from the house “dont be helpin her, dont go near her” but she did anyway. I won’t forget that.

I remember when we were kids one Saturday morning she came running out of the house and tripped and fell, he came running out and kicked and jumped at her head. My mum was at work and when she got back my auntie had been locked in the spare room in her house for hours. When mum said she should leave him she said “—– (name) would never hit me.” She always protected him, she made out like he was a good husband and a great dad, even though we witnessed how he was sometimes. One of my cousins from an early age had this nervous laugh/cry thing. He was petrified of his da.

For the 20 years after uncle hugh was murdered, she never slept in the bedroom with abusive husband again. He had full cable channels in the bedroom upstairs and she changed the beds in the house every monday even though she wasn’t sleeping in one. Downstairs TV had freeview, and she slept on the sofa. I mean, it was like she was martyring herself for staying with him,even though he treated her like shit.

I realised how awful it was when she was the first to the house the day Shane headbutt me, when Mary was six weeks old. She gently berated me for calling the police when we could have sorted it out among ourselves….. I realised then how trapped she was. Leaving the abusive man didn’t even seen like a possibility to her.

It was only when she got out of hospital after her first cancer operation that the spare room was decorated and she was moved into it. I couldn’t visit her, because a lot of her blood relatives were warned to stay away. My mum was turned away at the hospital. But she apparently joked with neighbours that she should have got cancer sooner, as she’d never been treated as well. My hands are shaking here.

Flowers would always appear in her window randomly too. She told people her husband bought them, but i remembered someone say they saw her buying them for herself. Who knows? I do think he got them for her out of guilt though.

When she died, I stood in my front garden to watch as the coffin left the street. I wasn’t welcome at the wake or funeral and nor were her sisters, though two of them went to the Mass anyway, because they wouldn’t let “that man” get in their way.

The flowers. So many flowers. I recalled this song that was part of the Womens Aid/Ulster Orchestra project I performed in, sung beautifully by Ceara. I broke down again, and thought how horrible it was – that she never escaped her tormentor.

He didn’t kill her, cancer did. But he did not treat her well. He did not take his marriage vows seriously at all. He is a complete bastard.

I still live across the street from him, and by fuck I try not to hate people – but he took a vibrant young woman,and manipulated and negged her into oblivion.

I am so sorry for writing all this here. But when I was trying to talk to Andy about it I was a blubbering wreck and couldn’t get it out.

He can’t hurt her anymore. This is the only positive, and my god it’s a tragic one.

If you’ve read all of this, then thanks. It has helped me to pour it out. I can only imagine what she would be going through with him on lockdown. Thank heavens for small mercies.

https://www.facebook.com/womensaidabcln/videos/828023441046758/

 

‘Lost Lives’ : Lost ‘Lies’?

Most folk of a certain age in and around the North of Ireland, to the ex-patriots living in Boston, Sydney et al. have either had a browse through – or indeed – own a copy of the seminal register of deaths during The Troubles, Lost Lives. Compiled by a team of writers led by David McKittrick, along with Seamus Kelters, Brian Feeney, Chris Thornton and David McVea they produced the first work of it’s kind. Their method relied heavily on the CAIN register and newspaper reports/eye witness accounts.  However big and groundbreaking a job it seemed, it remains heavily flawed.  The people to produce this list, this encyclopaedia of tragedy had an opportunity to immortalise the victims properly, instead of the villains.  We know from history class at school that Primary Sources may seem the most reliable, but are often full of holes and bias.  This doesn’t need to be so.  I am currently producing a memoir for my father relating to his own journey through the horrors that took place here.  His brother was murdered by the UDA/UFF in 1972 and not a single fact regarding him in his scant paragraph in Lost Lives is correct, from the misspelling of his name, his age, profession,where it was and how he died- down to the details of the man killed along with him.  For some people, this is the only reference book on the subject.  People are studying history and often using this tome as their sole point of reference/research.  Also heavily flawed are the Historical Enquiries Team; populated by ex Royal Ulster Constabulary members – who are re-investigating cases they didn’t do efficient enough investigations on in the first place. Special Branch officers who worked on the cases seem to all be having an Alzheimer’s epidemic as many of them are not giving any accounts to aid the investigations in any way.

The Police Service of Northern Ireland can still produce a 50 year old paper copy of my fathers driving offence caution – but many murder files are simply gone – many allegedly went up in smoke, during a fire in Tennant Street that was almost certainly an accident, and not part of a huge collusion cover up…

Sort it out lads.  The Bloody Sunday and Ballymurphy Massacres are just a blip on the landscape of hundreds of other families suffering, and to not revise the details of Lost Lives PROPERLY means future generations going on hokey reporting, non-verified death reports and essentially perpetuating a historical blind-sighted leading the blind.

Have any of your tragically departed family members been misrepresented by this award winning book? Get in touch, with me or McKittrick – and good luck!

 

 

Mental Health / Wealth.

 

I have been grinding on this one for a while.  How we judge others for their coping methods.  How a successful use of modern medicine can be viewed as a failure.

Taking SSRI’s is not ideal, of course.  In an ideal world, I could ease into the day with some yoga and meditation, but there are three children that need sorting out before I can even drink a hot beverage.  In better circumstances I could take an extra long shower and belt out songs before cycling leisurely to the park to read and boost my spirits.  But again, life gets in the way.  Maybe one day I won’t need to take my sertraline.  It won’t be this week, maybe not even this year.  There’s too much at stake.  The looming of medicinal marijuana in the UK is a glimmer of hope that I may get off the pills, but until then I am happy to take the help.  We can’t all ohm it away, some of our brain’s need a chemical shortcut, and that’s okay.

 

 

Sertraline – A life sentence or a salvation?

 

It’s Been A While – what even is this?

Having a look at this lil blog, it lacks focus, direction. Cue Arnie saying “You lack discipline.”  He would be right too, i totally do.

 

So there has been gardening, short stories, political rants and social media ranting. I guess I could still do those, but thinking of adding some spoken word, music videos and reviews.

Still, it’s good to have a working desktop again, I find it hard blogging from a phone, the photo editing limits me and I just don’t feel as motivated on it to be honest.

 

Look forward to boring you all again 🙂

 

 

And now for some poly ticks?

So the UUP have decided to resign from Stormont and try and overthrow the government with a new one. This is because they don’t trust Sinn Fein. May I just say, what is new? Their trust issue is a personal problem, and if Sinn Fein had kicked their toys out of the pram every time Mike Nesbitt and his party did something untrustworthy then they’d not have managed to get as far as they have.  I’m one of many in “our wee country” (or the top half of it anyway) who feel that this is all just smoke and mirrors.  The clampetts on the hill are so bogged down in ridiculous issues like flags, marches and tire burning that our health and education systems suffer, our Arts funding is being severed left right and centre and poverty and homelessness are high.  

For the record, I don’t trust Mike Nesbitt.  He sat there on UTV for years making us all believe he was a fair and impartial reporter, with a kind smile and eyes, not like today’s bile and lies. 

So get on with your work lads, and less of the shit.  There are ex loyalist gunmen killing ex loyalist gunmen, just like there are ex republican gunmen doin the same.  Everyone is now afraid that they will be touted on, so sadly this will become routine in the wake of people being pulled up on charges from the past. If the politicians could grow up and deal with our flailing societal infrastructures then perhaps we could even prevent some of these tragedies. Less whataboutery, more getsometthingdone-ery? 

 

My five year old orchid ladies

             

              These are my ladies of the manor, and I was blessed this year to have the first bud open to bloom on my Summer Solstice birthday on 21st of June. Again, mum left this plant here when she moved as orchids are known to be territorial and she is around five years old now, I think the success is giving her pride of place, the same place, rarely water it and let the roots near steam… These girls live in the kitchen.  This years blooms I named Jessica, daphne, Lily (go figure), Jessica, Kate and Mabel 😉 yes, I am crazy like that! Here are a few pics of them in their glory, this particular type is the flying bird orchid, as the inside resembles a white doves head drinking nectar from the yellow and pink speckled ovaries of the flower! I suppose that’s their female human equivalent.  I am entranced by the blooming process and I compare it to my own labour experience when I did it naturally.  Enjoy.  

  

  

  

  

  

 

Yellow roses of Twinbrook

these are my mums roses originally, but this year I didn’t use aphid spray I took a lot of care just squishing them off the buds and checking daily for more, I feel it’s really made a difference to their bloom. The first opened 1st July last week  

    

 can not wait to see the rest. Any of your rose tips welcomed!  

 

As June ends and the roses approach

a little garden update.  

The peas are flowering now and what I thought was broccoli was a cheeky weed in disguise! Rocket thriving also and so delicious and peppery in salads

The sage patch is scattered wih these beautiful purple sage flowers and the smell of the abundance of lemon balm is so calming.our son didn’t believe me when I told him our roses would be yellow. I can’t wait for them to burst, victory over the aphids I’ve been removing wiith my thumb and forefinger as needed!Aloe in their own personal jam jar ‘greenhouses’. In other news, my five year old orchid bloomed for my birthday on the summer solstice. Pics of the lady blooms coming soon. Life’s a garden, dig it!

 

June in bloom

garden isn’t doing too badly, though I fear the first tomato plant will die soon from being over fed. What I thought was just mixed lettuce is broccoli that I thought wouldn’t take! Here are my little disorganised beauties  

        baby tomatoes, cucumber, mixed peppers and parsley  

lil bit of dill 🙂   

fledgling lettuce under Shane’s little greenhouse effect pane of Perspex.  

making a little back garden haven, Shane constructed a little teepee from branches and a hammock from my size 7 Marley woven wrap. Using yarn scraps to wrap/decorate the teepee!